12 Invitations across the Holidays

As the year draws to a close, I know that many relationships can find the festive season both connecting and challenging. Changes to routine, childcare and family dynamics, the holiday can bring memories and contrasts that can feel heavy. I attach here a few prompts to support a sense of lightness and space across the next few weeks. These, are invitational in their intentionality, rooted to support and not overwhelm. I wish you and all your family and chosen family warmth, joy and love across the Holidays.

1. Plan time for presence- Routine fluctuations can feel destabilising and it can be really helpful to plan ahead an overarching structure to time across the holiday intentionally, considering how to enable presence. This includes time focussed for yourself, your relationship, family moments, 1 to 1’s with important family members and chosen family. It may support having the plan externally in view, with the structure collaboratively agreed and reviewed regularly. Consider particularly planning for energy levels noting individual variability re this as per different responsibilities, dynamics, and energy typically experienced with group interactions. Less is often more at this time of year as there can be a sensed pull to fill in gaps for a multitude of reasons including difficulty resting, guilt for missed moments through the year and contrasted expectations between families. Pay attention to buffer zones of rest between activities.

2. Make ‘To think’ and ‘To do’ lists and delegate these- Tensions exist with couples/ families split of responsibilities and initiation of tasks- and there is no greater time for these both being felt than around the holidays. Having a shared ‘to think’ and ‘to do’ list and delegating this across the family can help ease the load.

3. Embrace alternate approaches- In sharing responsibilities whether with a young child, partner or friend, acknowledge there may be a difference to approach and outcome. We will all have certain areas of strength, often through certain areas of heightened practice. This may lead us to hold on to certain tasks and share guiding parameters. There also needs flex to a different type of outcome, in the compassion to learn.

4. Anticipate triggers and necessary boundaries- Whether it’s the stress of organising the packing, childcare on a plane, or a difficult conversation that will be encountered, discussing ahead dynamics that may challenge and considering what will support best during these moments can be connecting. Consider clarities around boundaries- what is wanted, what won’t be accepted, what needs to happen.

5. Talk about finance and gift giving- With a cost-of-living crisis the costs of presents and hosting can be heavy- and can be an area many individuals find hard to approach. A clear statement on priority for finance can assert the focus of care, including responsibilities. ‘It is so important to have time and share connection this Christmas’ ‘Gift giving this year has taken a heaviness in cost and organisation and we wondered if a secret Santa between everyone would be an option rather than buying for all’.

6. Talk about intimacy and create space to re-meet one another- Expectations of desire across the festive season can load on, especially with heightened media representations of togetherness across the holidays. Discuss what feels most connecting and inviting lightness to re-meet one another. Perhaps that is dancing in the living room or setting time to discuss hopes and dreams for the coming months and years, as if you’d never discussed the topic before.

7. Talk about grief and create space to remember- Loved one’s who have died or are otherwise absent, can be very much psychologically present and grieved for. Create space to acknowledge this and the love represented, including noted time to remember individually and together.

8. Honour ritual- A nature walk within a favourite wood, reminiscing on the year passed ahead of new year looking at photos and videos, singing to a favourite song. Creating anchors of ritual can feel grounding throughout the year but also help bring focus to creating moments rather than heavy expectations to the days and weeks of the festivities.

9. Take notice and value- We can enjoy an event more if we anticipate and we reminisce on it- (cue planning ahead above on an external planner). Dedicating time to discuss what has been most valued any one day and week can build a shift in appreciation and fills the bank for connection between family members ahead of if and when conflict occurs.

10.  HALT in conflict- Hungry? Hungover? Anxious? Angry? Late? Tired? Triggered? – When the amygdala in the brain is firing into fight, flight, freeze mode and the front of the brain offline communication will be much harder. Notice early times that may be more difficult to talk and try to support the difficulty, by talking at an alternate time or shortening the focus of the conversation. An approach to this is attached below together with a link to Gottman’s antidotes as subtle shifts in communication that can be taken any time to support the front of the brain coming back online. Hold compassion when none of these principles may work if already in a full ‘fight, flight, freeze, fawn’ moment.

11. Breathe and recentre- Whether in conflict or dysregulated for another reason, even if there has been planning, discussion of triggers and an approach to conflict known ahead everyone can be caught by unanticipated stressors. Burned food, a drunk relative, family sickness- small and large stresses can build. Breathing and recentring can sometimes be enough to reset the brain from stressed to grounded. This can be as simple as a few deep breaths with a longer exhale, box breathing for a few minutes (breathing in for 4- hold for 4- breathe out for 4- hold for 4 – repeat) or imagining a sustained breath out as if breathing through a straw. Other strategies are techniques to bring one back into the moment including ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1’- Noting 5 object in the room visually, 4 sensations/ touch points in body e.g. feet on floor, clothing, breathe in and out through nose..., 3 sounds, 2 smells and 1 taste. Or lists- as many objects/ things beginning with a certain letter, or of a certain category e.g. animals, vegetables.

12. Check in frequently- Plans can flex and to not make any assumptions having regular check ins can ensure agility. Perhaps even a daily end of day pause for 5 minutes to notice what is coming up the next day- what one thing is most prioritised.

Gottman Link:

The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes