Layered and patterned relationships have their own fingerprint dynamics to entering into conflict - yet the brain once in this position often becomes reductionist and rigid. A first stepped process I consider with many couples with conflict is how to >HALT, >name and >regroup.
HALT
The acronym HALT is known by many from recovery circles to mean 'Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired' to represent basic need states that may mean someone is more likely to be emotionally or behaviourally triggered- and hence need time to pause. I have expanded this to Include 'Hungry or Hungover/ Angry or Anxious/ Late or Lonely/ Tired or Triggered' as a set of states to bring awareness to, as they indicate times not to deep talk where conflict is more likely- and of course counter to this suggest options to improve state ahead of a conversation (e.g. waiting to later in the day once one has had a sandwich!)
Name
Creating a name- or phrase -to identify conflict (or the presence of the HALT states) helps many couples withdraw earlier when conversation starts to breakdown. Conflict parameters are considered as a focus to name including- increased volume, accusational language (you- always- never) and 'looped' dialogue. It can often be helpful to use a externalising phrase, or something of humour- my own partner and I use 'we are entering a hufflepuff space' or simply 'huffpuff' to defuse.
Regroup
As important as the withdrawal is the repair, but it can take time for the brain to reset from conflict. Immediately at the time of an argument it can be helpful to consider in advance whether something of comfort is known to be offered to one another (or oneself)-I often consider the love languages here (What are The 5 Love Languages?). Suggesting a next day check in to then plan when to regroup/ talk again is helpful- it holds account that a time is being set to discuss challenging things, while acknowledging even the next day may not be an available time considering HALT contexts that may be in place. If at the time of the regroup later HALT is high, aim to reset again before speaking.
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